The Little Mermaid: Director's Cut
by FunkyHermit
Summary: The Little Mermaid- Tortallan style! Soooo obvious! How come no one's done this before? It's me as the director, having a VERY difficult time with a VERY difficult cast!
1. Scene I

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sue me anyway, because you'll get my precious precious pocket lint!

Presenting the Little Mermaid! Redone with new actors and a brilliant new director!

Scene opens. It's a giant wooden ship with, like, men. The men are singing, merrily. Oh yeah, everyone has a British accent because it's cooler that way. Prince Eric is swinging on a stick thing on the boat. I think it's called a mast…

Prince Eric [he's played by Prince Jon: WOO-HOO! Look at me!

That Old Guy who's supposed to look afther Prince Eric, you know, the one with a pony tail [he's played by George who instead of looking really old, looks really really young…and hot. His hair is not in a pony tail because…just, because.: Jon stop swinging around, you'll fall in the bloody ocean.

Jon [by the way, once I've established the person playing the part, I'm just gonna call them by their regular name since it's annoying otherwise: hey, you can't tell me what to do! _I'm _the prince. And besides, I happen to enjoy breathing in the salty sea air.

George: you would you jackass…

Jon: what was that?

George: nothing

Jon: You're still bitter about the fact that I beat you out for the role of Prince Eric, aren't you!

George: what do you mean 'beat ME out'? the only reason you have that role is because of typecasting.

Jon: what?! Liar. I was given this part based solely on my acting skills…

George: what skills you moron? I mean seriously, look at you. You have black hair, blue eyes and you ARE a prince! the only reason those tossers picked you is because you and Prince Eric practically share the same body!

Jon: **silence** Go stuff your head in a jar.

George: I'll show you how to stuff your head in a jar…

Jon: Bring it on you wanker!

Director: stop it! stop it right now! This movie hasn't even started and the two of you are trying to kill each other! George put that jar down! You _know_ you _couldn't_ stuff his head in there if you tried!

George: well if I used a little Vaseline…

Producer : First of all that's my Vaseline dammit! Second of all, if the both if you don't quit it right now and stop wasting the studio's money, you'll be replaced with Gary and Raoul.

Jon and George: fine! under their breath Party pooper…

Producer: What?

Both: we said…Super Dooper!

Director: and anyway, sorry Jon but you were typecast. It was just sooo easy…

Producer: yeah, have you _checked _the mirror? With you, we're saving a butload of money on contacts, hair dye, royal title usage tax…

Jon: damn.

George: haha

Raoul: wait a minute…where _are _Gary and me in this?

Gary: yeah?

Director: oops…I knew I forgot something…Cut! Back to the beginning…

Blah blah blah, start of scene1 take 2. Nothing different except two of the merry singing men are played by Gary and Raoul! There, now everyone has a part so far…

Jon: Yay! I love the sea! It's so peaceful.

George: [under his breath lot you know…

Jon: what?

Director: [offstage keep going! We'll fix it in editing

Jon: anyway, as I was saying, the sea is so peaceful!

Raoul: why do I have to be a gay sailor?

Gary: me too?

Director: you're not gay…you're just…_merry_

Producer: stop wasting money and get on with it!

Raoul: alright, alright…

Gary: 'merry' my ass…

Raoul: moving on…yes, the ocean is peaceful Prince! Must mean King Triton's having a good day!

Jon: King Triton?

Gary: yeah King Triton thought every good sailor knew about him…

George: well that's simple, Jon isn't a good sailor…

Jon: Hey! That's just my line! I actually DO know who he is!

George: oh really? Fine then, who is he?

Jon: he's, well he's…at least I'm paying attention to the script! According to the script, YOU'RE supposed to be an old man!

George: quiet you.

Producer: MOVE ON! YOU"RE WASTING MONEY! First off it would be really expensive to make him look all old. Second off, he's yummier this way…mmmm…Ahem… Brings in more viewers with all the sex appeal and stuff

George: and I win again…

Jon: so what? That just means you're as much of a pretty boy as I am!

George: At least I'VE got talent!

Jon: uh, yeah, if that makes you happy…

George: that's it[whips out one of his many knives, this one from behind his ear, and tackles Jon. They both fall off the ship

Director: oh shit…I knew hiring them would be a mistake…should we get them?

Producer: rescues are expenseive…

Director: hiring new ones would cost even more though…

Producer: good point…and I think we could actually use the rescue footage for when Ariel rescues him…we'll just edit George out

Gary: shouldn't one of you rescue them now! Jon's drowning!

Director: no, George is just holding his head underwater. Kind of funny actually…all right, enough, Raoul go fish them out

Raoul: why me?

Producer: because you're also a rescuer and an actor

Raoul: couldn't you just hire an actual rescuer?

Producer: too expensive…

Raoul: why'd I even ask… do I at least get a life jacket or tube?

Producer: no, but you do get a rope tied around your waste.

Raoul: [freaking out, wouldn't you? how's THAT supposed to help?!

Producer: the other end is tied to a ship, of course…

Raoul: oh goody…

Director: can we get on with this! CUT! Start again.

_Oh good goddess…scene one take __**3**__. everything's the same. Except Jon and George are soaking wet._

Jon: why are we still wet?

Producer: drying the both of you would be too expenseive.

George: why'd we even ask.

Jon: for the love of…

Director: [offstage shut it and keep going! We're still on scene one you fools!

Jon: ok, ok. You're so impatient.

George: and cheap…

Director: I. AM. GOING. TO. HURT. YOU.

George: fine, fine. Gary, say you're bloody line…

Gary: finally. Why Prince Eric, King Triton is the ruler of the merpeople of course!

George: hold on, isn't Thom playing King Triton?

Director: yes.

Jon: and isn't Ariel supposed to be his daughter?

Producer: yes…I don't see your point. AND YOU'RE WASTING FILM!

George: sorry, it's just…doesn't that mean her brother is, well, her father?

ALL: EWWWWWWWW…THAT'S NASTY

Director: [at this point she's screaming Alright! Fine! Myles, you're playing King Triton!

Thom: then who do I play?

Director: you know what? NO ONE.

Producer: nope, sorry but he has to play someone.

Director: and why, in the name of all that is good, does he HAVE to play someone…

Producer: because we already payed for it and we can't let him go to waste…

Director: fair enough. Thom, you're a fish.

Thom: that's a stupid part

Jon: it is pretty stupid

Director: then you're MANY fish! Got it? you're a whole SCHOOL of fish? Happy?

Thom: it's still pretty lame…

Director: [choking on her own rage grragaraahhahaa….ok…deep breath..Elie, what part do we have for him?

Producer: I could always fire the stick we're using to play the nutty cook dude. It wouldn't be like we'd lose money since he works for free. And I wouldn't really be hurting his feelings since he's…a stick.

Director: [who's just shot herself full of morphine. She's calm again okay..mmm…me feel good…Thom, you're playing the nutty cook. And since I believe we just ran out of film, we're done with this scene…DONE. We'll start number two tomorrow.

Gary: was that it?!

Director: was what it?

Gary: were those my ONLY lines?!

Director: umm…yeah. Pretty much

Gary: so what do Raoul and I do now?

Director: well we need you guys to rescue anyone who starts drowning and for background people. Like the fish. We need lots and lots of fish. It is, like, the ocean.

Raoul: this sucks

Producer: well nuts to you…

Director: oh good goddess, Jon don't eat that! It's full of knives! GEORGE!!!!

Producer: I hope he didn't put those knives on his expense account. Uh-oh. Raoul, you better call the medic.

Gary: I'm the medic. Apparently.

Producer: ok, go get Jon. Put some gauze on him or something.

Gary: all we have are band-aids…

Director: …Elie…

Producer: what? He'll live.


	2. Scene II

Scene TWO take one! [Zeus halleluiah…] if you've seen the movie you'll know that this is the part where King Triton and Sebastian are at the concert where Ariel hasn't shown up yet. 

_Enter King Triton in a chariot pulled by dolphins…wait, those aren't dolphins…_

King Triton [if you were paying attention you'd know he's being played by Myles, no longer by Thom because everyone thought that would be pretty gross. And they were right, it would be. Sorry Thom] : are those plastic windup fish pulling my chariot?

Director: yes.

Myles: aren't I supposed to be in a chariot pulled by dolphins?

Director: I decided that the use of dolphins for manual labor, such as pulling a chariot, was cruel and inhumane

Producer: and I decided that it would cost too much. Bath toys are WAY cheaper.

Sebastian [being played by Coram, he's her keeper. Get it, get it?!]: Why am I a lobster?

Director: the crab costume was already rented out.  We'll have it back tomorrow. 

Producer: That reminds me, we'll have to finish this scene by 9 p.m. otherwise they'll charge us extra for the suit.

Director: oh my goddess…alright then, let's start filming. Action!!

Myles rides up in his… um…bath-toy driven chariot and attempts to light the chandelier, like in the movie. Aims his trident and shoots the chandelier…oh man…he missed…Everything just exploded…

Myles: oops…

Director: EVERYBODY OUT! THIS PLACE IS ON FIRE!

George: wait, how can it be on fire when we're underwater…

Director:  you know, although that's a good point, it's the least of my concerns right now. Let's just ignore it and get out.

Scene begins again. Trumpets play to announce entry of king and kazoos play to announce entry of Sebastian, just like in the real movie! Isn't that cool!

Myles [who is now carrying a plastic trident made by fisher price. It's cheaper anyway.] : I'm looking forward to this concert Sebastian.

Coram: me too your majesty. It's full of my finest work and- why are you looking at me like that?

Myles: Nothing, it's just…

Coram: what?

Myles: I can't but help imagine you sautéed in butter…

Director: THERE WILL BE NO EATING OF THE OTHER CAST MEMBERS!!!!

Myles: I didn't say I was going to eat him-

Coram: well it was implied!

Myles: but you should see yourself, sooo juicy….mmmmmm

Coram: get back! Get back!

Director: Raoul! Quick, get Myle's off of his…oh shitty hell…

Producer: you know how much money it's going to cost to repair that claw?! Great, alright Gary, go patch him up…

Gary: with just a band-aid?

Producer: fine, I'll spring for some gauze, but NOT too much.

Coram: [in between screams]  how-generous-of-you

Producer: I know.

Director: oh gross…the blood is floating around in the water

Raoul: wait…we're underwater?

Director: that should have been obvious jackass

George [who for some reason is still around. He's hot, does it really matter?]: if we're underwater, shouldn't we be drowning?

Producer: Oops…maybe I should have bought the oxygen tanks…

Suddenly entire cast and crew start choking and begin swimming to the top.

Director: *gurgle* CUT! *gurgle*

SCENE TWO take 2. Everybody's underwater again, but this time they all have oxygen tanks! 

Director: Everybody breathing?

All: YES

Director: good. Coram, how's your arm?

Coram: Gary sewed it on…how do YOU think it is…

Director: I think it's fine.

Jon: Yeah, nice cross-stitching Gary

Gary: why thank you…

George: yeah, it's very neat actually

Gary: thanks, me mum taught me before I went-

Director: alright! We can all see that Gary can sew! Congratulations Gary, you've achieved the very feminine art of needlework.

Gary: I resent that.

Director: too bad. Let's move on, and I mean now! Action!

Scene two take 3. This doesn't look like it's gonna be done before 9 p.m.

Myles: I'm excited to see- what now?

Coram: promise you won't bite me again?

Myles: I make no promises.

Coram: what did you say??!

Director: enough! Myles, you shall not bite ANYONE! Got that? Good. Action…again

Myles: [pouty] fine…alright, Sebastian, I'm excited to see my daughter Ariel, she has such a lovely voice…

Coram: Yes, yes, if only she'd show up for rehearsal once in while…

Director: that's amazing!

Coram: what?

Director: you said the line! The line from the movie! Without any interruption!

Producer: actually…

Director: oh crap. What now?

Producer: well, you see, taking the actual line from the movie would make us have to pay a huge indemnity because of copyright laws so you'll have to redo the line and say 'practice' instead of 'rehearsal'

Director: [on the verge of tears because she was so happy she almost went through a whole scene] Elie, are you serious?

Producer: You could always leave it the way it is and pay more if you want.

Director: I can?

Producer: "yeah, you don't ALWAYS have to do what I say, you know."

Director: really? News to me…anyway, keep going! [heeheee, I used what you said…] Send in the singing mermaids!

George [who has now taken the position as Director's assistant seeing as how he's hardly in the movie. And I like him, so shut up.]: I think we may have a problem.

Director: whatever do you mean?

George: well, there appears to be a singing mermaid named Alanna…

Director: and?…

George: She won't like that…

Jon: he's right you know, she'd get really touchy about a ditzy mermaid with the same name as her… 

Director: he's got a point…Elie?

Producer: [smiling in a maniacal way. Oh good god. She's holding a gun…] don't worry…I've got it all covered…

Everyone hears a bang. Oh my.

Director: that took care of that problem.

Jon: yeah…the hot-tempered one will be appeased

George: what did you just say about my wife?

Jon: I said she was hot tempered. What? You can't deny that-[he's suddenly cut off because George has just lunged at his throat]

Director: whoa. Look at George go. 

Producer: man, is he built.

Director: now I see why guys think this is such a turn on. With two girls, I mean…

Raoul: should we stop them?

Director: no, not yet…

Gary: umm…George just pulled a knife.

Director: Ok, now.

Trying the scene with the six, I mean, FIVE, singing mermaids again. George has a black eye and a broken nose. Jon has a broken jaw and his ear was nearly cut off. 

Director: ok you guys, we have to get through this scene quick. We're nearly running out of oxygen. And note to George and Jon, QUIT IT!

Jon: [in a pouty, little British boy accent] he started it

George: did not

Jon: did too

George: did not

Jon: did too

George: DID NOT YOU, YOU STEAMING PILE OF ELEPHANT DUNG!

Jon: DID TOO YOU IGNORANT BOIL OF SEEPING PUS! 

[about to jump out of their wheelchairs and hit each other with their IV tubes]

Director: ELIE! MAKE THEM STOP!

Producer: [pulls out gun]…

Both: SORRY. WE'RE DONE.

Director: thank you

Producer: no problem. Pretty handy thing Craig bought me for our anniversary…[there, I put him in. the both of you are married. Happy?]

Director: how is Craig?

Producer: just fine, but he passed out in the shower this morning. I told him to lay off the pot for a while…

George: shouldn't we get back to the movie now?

Director: okay, I knew giving you power would corrupt you…

George: what? I'm running OUT of oxygen!

Director: alright, keep your pants on…or don't…ahem…Cue the damn singing mermaids…

[like in the actual movie] Mermaids begin to sing, and announce each others name: Athena, Aquata, Adreama, Arista, and Abella. Alanna the mermaid is missing for…obvious reasons…The shell opens and they all gasp because Ariel's not inside…wait

Director: Alanna [who, by the way, if you haven't figured it out, plays Ariel. Duh.] Alanna, what are you doing in their? You're not in this scene…

Alanna: [who is fuming mad…] FOR THE LOVE OF THE GREAT LADY!  Do you all realize that this movie is about me, got that, ME, and that I haven't even shown up yet!!!!

George: well if certain people would stop being a prig…

Jon: and others would stop knifing people for no apparent reason…

Director: STOP. Just, stop.

Both: fine.

Director: anyway, we all know that the reason this is taking so long is because some people are just sooooo hungry…

Myles: it's not my fault! If we had some decent food on the cast snack table…

Producer: we have DONUTS! What more do you want?!

Myles: sandwiches would be nice…

George: and chocolate chip cookies…

Alanna: and cake…

Jon: and crisps…

Coram: coffee wouldn't be too bad either…

Director: ENOUGH! Next you'll be asking for napkins!

George: that wouldn't hurt…

Director: quiet you.

Producer: we can't afford any of that crap! 

Director: Lovely. And since I believe we're all about to drown, we might as well get out of here. I guess I'll manage with whatever footage we have. If we have any. Wait, I just realized we don't have a cameraman, just a camera…Elie…

Producer: fine, fine, I'll hire ONE…

Director: thank you…and I guess you'll be doing the editing?

Producer: yes. And?…

Director: just remember to keep the fight, we'll just paste Ursula's head over George's…

Producer: but George won the fight, in the movie Ursula's supposed to lose…

Jon: he did NOT win…

George: says you…

Jon: why you little-

George: I'm bigger than you, Shrimpy

Jon: [battle cry] ARGH!!!!! [attacks George with crutch, George fights back with his…knife…of course]

Director: do they realize they're about to run out of air?

Raoul: probably not

Director: Gary?

Gary: I'm on it…

Director: [who's feeling that high you get right before you drown] hmmmmm…CUT.


	3. Scene III

Scene three take 1. Alanna FINALLY shows up. It's really dark and murky and there's a shadowy looking sunken ship.

Director: wow, nice job on the set this time, Elie.

Producer: yes I know. Amazing isn't it?

Director: yeah, it looks- wait.

Producer: [who's acting sooo innocent all of a sudden…] what?

Director: Elie…

Producer: yes?

Director: if we've never been able to afford, well, ANYTHING before, how can we afford this now?

Producer: ummm…I shot the guy who owned it…

Director: you are SO gonna get arrested.

Producer: hey, it was cheaper that way.

Director: at least we have a set I suppose…

Producer: yes, you should be grateful…and by the way-

Director: here it comes…

Producer: I had to fire the cameraman.

Director: [who's madder than a cow on steroids right now] BUT WE JUST HIRED HIM…WHY DO WE NEED TO FIRE HIM ALREADY?

Producer: we needed to buy more oxygen tanks…and I needed more bullets.

Director: Elie, I'm sure you're doing the Lord/Lady of Hell a great favor by providing clients but please, no more unnecessary killings

Producer: fine…but I won't be happy….

Director: watch me care. Anyway, we need a new cameraman now. Raoul?

Raoul: fine, but I don't know how to work a camera…

Director: you'll figure it out, you just have to press 'ON' when I say "Action" and turn it off when I say "Cut"…I just realized how pathetic this production is…

Alanna: for the love of the Moon! We finally get to a scene with ME in it and we're STILL not filming me!!!!!

Director: alright, ACTION!

Raoul: I can't find the button…

Director: give me that, yeesh. If you want something don't right…ACTION! [turns on camera herself]

Ariel [Alanna] finally gets to appear. She swims up to the sunken ship. Tagging along is her faithful fish, Flounder,  played by, of course, Faithful!

Alanna: [who's absolutely ecstatic that she finally gets to say her lines! Yipeee!]                        *points at sunken ship*  look at that Flounder! Isn't it fantastic? Hold on, that is such a ditzy line, can we change it?

Director: no, now keep going for once!

Faithful: why am I a flounder? Wait, forget that, why am I even a fish?!

Director: because…we needed someone to play her faithful companion and since you were already her 'faithful' 

Faithful: make fun of my name again and I'll claw your eyes out…

Director: ok, ok, her 'loyal' companion in the past, I figured I might as well use you now.

Faithful: but I was a CAT. 

Producer: and now you're a fish

Director: yeah, it's not that hard to figure out you know

Alanna: can we get on with this? and my lines better bloody improve…

Director: sorry, but they're all pretty ditzy like that.

Alanna: why am I in this movie again?

Jon: [lying on a hospital bed with wheels, he's completely bandaged and kind of looks like a mummy] because this is your punishment for cutting off Sir Adam's, well let's just say you cut off something of his that NO man should have cut off…

Raoul: yeah, I was there and ouch…

Alanna: I still say he deserved it…

Gary: what did he even do?

Raoul: Sneezed on her.

Alanna: I don't want his germs! And there were boogers [would the British call them boogers?] all over my chain mail…

Raoul: the man had a cold Alanna, a cold…

Alanna: it's still no excuse.

Gary: but it's still an excuse for you to cut of his-

Alanna: yes.

Director: did they sew it back on?

Jon: Duke Baird tried… 

Raoul: I heard it hangs on an angle

George:[also in a hospital cart, his knives have all been taken away…we think] I heard he pisses gold

Gary: I heard he can never have children again.

Producer: well that's a given.

Alanna: he still deserved it! He tried to grope me!

Raoul: he bumped into you…

Jon: admit it, you did it because he said girls were useless and should stay at homes to make babies…

Director: he said THAT?

Producer: to ALANNA?

Raoul: that wasn't very bright.

Alanna: haha…look who can make babies now you watery tart…

George:I guess he did deserve it…

Jon: but Alanna always overreacts. I remember one time while we were together-

Alanna: you know king, it wouldn't be wise to insult someone who's supposed to rescue you in one scene…

Jon: you can't let me drown! You HAVE to-

Alanna: that's what you think…

George:haha

Director: STOP! We've successfully wasted an hour-

Producer: actually three hours, your watch is broken…

Goerge: she's not wearing a watch. She's lying.

Director: quiet you.

George:but you're not wearing a watch…

Director: that's because you stole it!

George:oh yeah, I did, didn't I.

Alanna: I thought you said you'd stop when we got married!

George:I can't help it! it was sooo easy-

Producer: alright, alright, shut up all of you! DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH MONEY THIS SET IS COSTING US?

Director: nothing, you shot the guy you got it from, remember? 

Producer: well, then the film is expensive…

Director: fine, let's try it again. Alanna, you have ditzy lines. Faithful, you're a…fish. GET OVER IT. Action!

Scene three, take two. Alanna and Faithful are 'dealing with it' and swimming towards the sunken ship.

Alanna: let's see what's inside Flounder!…[mutters to herself] of all the stupid-

Director: [gritting teeth] keep going…

Faithful: but we can't go in there Ariel! It's dangerous!

Alanna: you can't tell me what to do you stupid fish!

Director: that's not your line!

Alanna: FINE. C'mon Flounder, stop being such a guppy…

Both of them swim into the ship. The camera starts to follow them and then suddenly stops…

Director: now what…

Raoul: umm…the camera won't fit into the ship…

Director: what do you mean it won't fit!

Raoul: it's too big to get in through the cracks…

Director: so what do we do NOW, oh great assistant?

George:we could always…take the ship apart and build it around the camera.

All: *blink blink*

Director: or not.

Alanna: just cut a hole in the damn ship!

Director: but then it'll sink…

Alanna: IT DID SINK!

Director: fine. George, you cut the hole.

George:why me?

Director: you have a knife, actually you have SEVERAL knives.

George:no I don't-, oh, what's the point in lying.

Scene three take 3. George cuts a hole in the side of the ship. Everyone's inside. Alanna swims to the back of the ship and picks up a fork.

Alanna: isn't this amazing!

Flounder: what is it?

Alanna: I don't know but Scuttle will!…[mutters]  it's a fork jackass….

Director: [from offstage] you're not supposed to know that! By the way, who's playing Scuttle Elie?

Producer: we'll get to him when we get to him…

Director: oh crap monkey…keep going!

Alanna: [swims farther into the ship, picks up a smoking pipe] what do you suppose this is?

Faithful: I don't know but we should be getting out of here soon…

Alanna: [in a really mocking tone, she sounds like she's been smoking something…] oh Flounder, what could go wrong?

Five minutes of silence  pass.

Alanna: AHEM…I SAID, oh Flounder, what could go wrong?

Director: CUE THE DAMN SHARK!

George:he's in his trailor pouting…

Director: who plays the shark?

Producer: Alex of Tirragon.

Director: I thought he DIED.

Producer: well, I brought him back to life with an ancient voodoo spell. It's cheaper than hiring someone alive!

Director: oh good goddess…fine. But why is he not here?!

George:he says the shark suit makes him look fat.

Director: of course it makes him look fat! HE'S A SHARK!

Alanna: tell him if he doesn't get his anorexic ass out here I'll kill him a second time!

George:[delivers message and comes back] he says at least he'll be thin in hell. All bones and stuff…

Alanna: wait, if you get sent to hell, wouldn't you be punished?

Director: probably, yes. Why?

Alanna: well, tell him that if he doesn't come out here NOW, I'll kill him a second time, make sure he gets into hell, and make sure his eternal punishment is to be FAT!

George:oohhhhh, good one!

George returns with Alex.

Alex: [pouting] you're mean. 

Alanna: well, YOU tried to kill me.

Alex: well YOU actually DID kill me!

Alanna: only because you tried to kill me first-

Director: argue a little longer and I'll allow the Producer to shoot you.

Producer: please argue…please [wringing her hands maniacally]

Alex: I'm done.

Alanna: I'm not. [Producer pulls out gun…]…but I'll pretend to be.

Director: good. Now let's continue before Alex sees his reflection and realizes how fat that suit makes him look.

Alex: what?!

Director: Nothing. ACTION!

Raoul: I…um…can't find the switch again…

Director: we've been over this Raoul. It's the red switch. It's always been the red switch. It will always BE the red switch. Got it?

Raoul: yes madam.

Director: good. Now then, ACTION!

Scene three take 4. Alanna/Ariel says her ditzy line about nothing being able to go wrong. Then, of course, something goes wrong. The shadow of the shark appears and then the shark crashes through the window. I said, AND THEN THE SHARK CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW. Oh for the love of…

Director: Alex.

Alex: yes?…

Director: why aren't you crashing through the window?

Alanna: yeah, the anticipation is killing me…

Director: cut the sarcasm Alanna. But seriously, why ARE YOU NOT crashing through that window!?

Alex: [whining] it'll hurt…

Director: what will?

Alex: the glass…

George:You're afraid of the glass? You? 

Jon: Has it COME to your attention that YOU are wearing a 20-layer thick SHARK SUIT?

Alex: so? What if a sliver-

Director: [screaming like a madwoman] A SLIVER!?!

Alex: slivers are small. They could get through a hole in the suit or get into my eye-

Director: alright, shut up. [takes a DEEP breath] Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex. First of all, Jon and George are right. YOU ARE WEARING A TWENTY LAYER THICK SUIT-

Alex: that makes me look fat-

Director:YES. THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT. Secondly, THAT GLASS ISN'T EVEN REALLY GLASS!

George:yeah, isn't it supposed to be rock candy or some special kind of plastic?

Producer: not even. The plastic was too expensive so I tried to make one out of rock candy but then Faithful ate it-

Faithful: I was hungry-

Director: See Alex! We're SOOOO under budgeted that it isn't even REAL! With my luck, it's probably just plastic wrap!

Producer: yes, actually. It is. It's soooo cheap. Did you know you can buy 100 rolls for ten dollars?

Jon: why would you need 100 rolls of plastic wrap…

Gary: you might need to wrap a lot of vegetables.

Raoul: yeah, that would actually be very useful at the next banquet Jon. So much food goes to waste because of those damn ladies who refuse to eat anything because they're afraid they won't fit into their damn corsets-

Alanna: kind of like Alex!

Alex: Hey, it's not a bloody corset! It's a sword-proof vest I wear under my tunic.

Alanna: oh yeah? Then why did my SWORD pierce through it and kill you?

Alex: because…because you have a magic sword!

Alanna: so? What's the use of having a sword-proof vest if it can't protect you against magic swords?

Alex: your logic's flawed…

Alanna: you're flawed!

Director: YOU'RE BOTH FLAWED!!! And Alex I don't care if you wear a damn bra, crash through the bloody window! NOW.

Alex: fine. No need to be short with me…

Director: I'll short you…

Producer: STOP ARGUING! IT'S COSTING US MORE AND MORE MONEY ON THE SHARK SUIT! 

Director: Don't yell at me! I'm the DIRECTOR. Anyway, it's Alex's fault.

Producer: I don't care! We're still wasting money!

Director: we're ALWAYS wasting money…but fine. Alex crash through the window; Alanna and Faithful, run away screaming. ACTION!

Alanna: what's my motivation?

Director: [ready to bite someone] mo.ti.va.tion. for what?

Alanna: for running away screaming. Alex isn't very terrifying you know.

Director: he will be in that fat suit

Alex: [about to cry] hey!  
  


Director: I don't want to hear it.ACTION!

Scene three take 5, I think. Oh who cares anymore. Alex FINALLY crashes through the window. He chases Alanna and Faithful while they pretend to be afraid. Alanna doesn't seem like she's afraid though. She's mocking him and pirouetting around him. Uh-oh…I think Alex has been enraged…

Alanna: come and get me you massive tub of lard-

Alex: THAT'S IT!!! [dives for her and misses]

Alanna: la la la la la la, Alex cannot get me, for he is too chunky…

Alex: [gnashing his teeth] I WILL RIP YOU TOO SHREADS!!!!

Alex keeps trying to dive for Alanna but she keeps swimming away. I think he's trying to eat her…

Alex:[with a demonic look in his eyes] I may not have killed you the first time but I'll get it right THIS TIME!!!!

Director: oh good goddess.

George:he DOES remember that he's only playing a shark, RIGHT? RIGHT?

Producer: I don't know anymore.

Director: the footage will be excellent though.

Alex dives again and this time he manages to bite of a rather large chunk of Alanna's tail fin. This is getting ugly…

Producer: HEY! That was expensive! Do you KNOW how much that's going to cost to repair?!

Director: Producer, I think that may be the least of our concerns for some reason…

Jon: yeah, Alex looks like a mad cow…

Raoul: on steroids.

George:help my wife dammit!

Director: alright, alright, no need to get all shirty…

George:I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO! A man in a FAT shark suit is trying to eat her!

Alex dives again and tries to swallow Alanna whole.

Director: something tell me calling him 'fat' is NOT the best idea in the world…anybody have any ideas how to calm him down?

Producer: Shoot him.

Director: No. any ideas that WON'T get us completely arrested?

Gary: completely?

Director: don't twist my words.

Jon: I remember as a kid he was pretty eccentric but now that he's a dead-man-brought-back-to-life-in-a-fat-shark-suit, he's gone completely mad.

Gary: well when you put it like that…

Alex tries to swallow Alanna again. She seems rather distraught right now…

Alanna: stop calling him FAT and help me!!!!!

Director: oh dear…would someone give her a sword already!

Producer: well, she can't try to slash him!

Alanna: [while frantically swimming away from the madman Alex] and why the bloody hell not?

Producer: he's still in the suit and do you know how expensive it would be to buy another-

Director: no, but I DO know how expensive a funeral would be!!!

Producer: fine, fine. But we don't have any swords around…

Director: Great.

Alanna: can I use anything I want to hurt him?

Director: I don't see why not…

Alanna swims back into the ship, Alex follows crashing through everything. There is a moment of silence. George is getting ready to maul Alex. Suddenly there's screaming and we see Alex swimming like his ass is on fire out of the ship. Alanna follows soon behind. Oh look, she's found something to cause grievous harm to him with…

Jon: what's she got?

Director: I think it's a…harpoon.

Producer: that's great. That's just great. Harpoon holes are always so expensive to sew back up-

Director: QUIET YOU.

Jon: HOLY MITHROS!

Raoul: she just harpooned him!!!

Director: He looks like a rather grotesque lollipop. Ewww….the blood is getting everywhere. Oohhh…the water's turning pink…

Gary: since I'm the medic, should I help him or something?

Producer: don't bother. It would be a waste of bandages.

Director: yeah, he's pretty dead.

Alanna: I got him right through the-

George:we SAW where you harpooned him, Alanna.

Director: excellent aim.

Jon: ouch, this is Sir Adam all over again.

Alanna: No it's not, it's completely different. Adam merely insulted me. Alex tried to EAT me.

Gary: so why'd they both get punished in the same way?

Alanna: Again, it was NOT the same. I used a sword on Adam. I HARPOONED Alex. 

George:it just goes to show something killed by Alanna should STAY that way…

Jon: yeah, like Roger…

Raoul: that was such a mess to clean up

Gary: which death? The first or second?

Raoul: pick one! The first time we had to deoxidize the entire castle because of that weird orange cloud.

Jon: that cost so much-

Gary: and it made the castle smell soooo bad. Roger HAS to watch what he's eating…

Raoul: yeah, but the second time she killed  him she nearly brought the whole damn castle down!

Jon: I had to pay for so much reconstruction, couldn't you have killed him in a less apocalyptic way?

Alanna: it wasn't my fault! He tried to kill me!

Jon: that's your excuse for everything!

Alanna: because EVERYTHING tries to kill me!!!

Jon: Adam didn't.

Alanna: THAT WAS DIFFERENT!

Director: enough! Will someone please just get his rotting corpse out of here…it's stinking up the place.

Producer: great, now I'll have to pay for dry cleaning to get the blood out…

Director: you're not seriously going to give back a suit that belonged to a dead guy?!

Producer: and why the hell not? It's cheaper than-

Director: alright! Fine! I get it! [mutters] damn pinch penny production….

Producer: I can TOTALLY hear you.

Director: no you can't.

George:can I say 'cut'?

Director: no.

George:why not?

Director: I'm the director, that's why. It's a privilege.

George:I'm saying it anyway. CUT!

Director: no! [turns camera back on]  ACTION! And now, CUT!

George:[mutters] stupid overbearing meglomaniac…

Director: I'll pretend I didn't hear you

George:but you did so you're a liar.

Director: fine you whining little pile of something really…hot. Say it if it makes you happy. [turns camera back on]

George:well now the moment's passed.

Producer: YOU'RE WASTING FILM. PRECIOUS EXPENSIVE FILM!

George:alright, calm down…ahem…CUT! 

Director: happy?

George:very much so.


End file.
